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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise
men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!"
he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
*Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney*
| Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom |
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole,
rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later
INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed
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| Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands |
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This
beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans
who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for
a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land
Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love
your pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if
they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to
beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?” |
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Swearing Lessons
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year old says to the six-year old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling
out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the violin section.
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive
and inaccurate.
| Hillbillie Love? |
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed
where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and
I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
http://www.jokes.com |
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| Ancient Chinese Torture |
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon
a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said
the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter,
I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into
her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept
back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note
on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the
old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder
out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he
glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that
read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
http://www.jokes.com |
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